By: Jannee Campero, Child And Family Therapist at Rady Children's Hospital-San Diego Chadwick Center for Children and Families
The process of healing from sexual abuse looks different for every person and takes time. Many clients will come into treatment with me expecting the happily ever after. They may have watched a documentary or listened to a podcast of survivors of sexual assault where so much detail has been given to the horror of the sexual abuse trauma and its consequences. Then with a few minutes left in the program, the survivors will describe how they went to therapy and everything became so much better. There are no details about the pain, effort, and time that recovery requires.
Sexual assault victims are left without a realistic representation of the process of sexual abuse or rape recovery. The truth is that there is no magical undo button, there is no quick fix. We cannot change what happened, but we can change the impact it will have on your life. The goal does not have to be the happily ever after or perfection, the goal can be peace and acceptance with yourself.
“The wound is the place where the light enters you.” ~ Rumi
What is a sexual assault?
Sexual assault is an act of violence and abuse. For the purposes of this article, I use sexual assault and sexual abuse interchangeably although there can be a distinction. In this definition, sexual assault can include any type of sexual touch without the other person’s consent. It can also include forcing another person to watch sexual acts or pornographic or Child Sexual Abuse Material (CSAM).
How common is sexual abuse?
Sexual violence is alarmingly common in our society and embarrassingly under criminalized. Studies show that one in three females and one in five males experience some form of sexual abuse, many before they turn the age of 18. This is a prevalent issue for both adults and children, as well as our more vulnerable LGBTQ+ youth. Nearly two in five LGBTQ+ young people report that they have experienced sexual abuse.
In what contexts does sexual abuse occur?
Sexual abuse can take on various forms. When the sexual assault is committed by someone the victims knows, such as in the context of a date, it may be called “date rape” or “acquaintance rape.” When it is committed by a family member, it may be called “incest abuse.”
Sexual assault and abuse can also occur in the workplace. Any time someone in a position of power—physical, emotional, or psychological — engages another person to do something sexual, whether inappropriate, uncomfortable, or against their will, it is sexual abuse.
Sexual abuse can also occur in relationships. When sex is used as a weapon to manipulate or to control — this is not love. It is not even sex; it is sexual abuse. While perpetrators will try to confuse the victims and place blame for their behavior, the act is abusive, unhealthy, and unsafe.
The lesser common, but more reported form of sexual abuse is stranger rape. People who rape are often opportunists who will seek out vulnerable persons they view as easier targets. They might seek someone who has separated from their friends, is under the influence of substances, or appears distracted. Nothing that a victim wears or does causes sexual abuse.
How are survivors of sexual abuse often treated by society and legal systems?
Often the logic that society and legal systems use when dealing with people who sexually harm is different. If someone attempts to rob you, the common advice from law enforcement is to submit and give the thief what they are asking for. You are not advised to fight back or verify that the threat is legitimate. This is not considered a “misunderstanding.” It is understood as an act of violence, and police will tell you it is not worth putting your life at risk for a phone or wallet. Yet when it comes to sexual violence, we place so much more responsibility on the victim for their assault. Often survivors are asked questions like:
Did you say no?
Did you fight?
Can you prove that you felt your life was at risk?
Could this have just gotten out of control?
Victims are often left feeling unsupported, ashamed, and violated yet again by the systems that are supposed to protect them.
What is Rape Trauma Syndrome?
When post-traumatic stress is caused by rape or any other type of sexual assault or abuse, the specific term for the symptoms of depression, flashbacks, avoidance, and anxiety one may feel is Rape Trauma Syndrome. It is very similar to Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), but with a few key differences:
Exaggerated startle response or hyper-alertness. Have you noticed that since the sex trauma you have become more alert and uncomfortable when someone walks behind you? Or that you suddenly stiffen up when you are hugged, even by someone you love? Or that footsteps now cause overwhelming feelings of fear? These are “startle responses.”
Guilt and self-blame about surviving behaviors used during the rape. Many rape victims struggle with some degree of self-blame for the rape. Sometimes the self-blame is related to actions the victim did during the rape itself, such as walking to a place where they were told to go by the rapist, or removing their own underpants, or remaining silent, or not reporting the rape afterward. In a court case in Texas, a woman’s rape was dismissed because she had asked her knife-wielding attacker to wear a condom, which the defense attorney portrayed as a sign of consent from her. In reality, all of these things were done for the sake of survival, in order to minimize the rapist’s use of force as much as possible.
Impairment of memory and concentration. You may be unable to recall how you got to a certain place, or who else was there, or what you said during the rape, or what happened the rest of the day afterwards. Even months later, concentration may be difficult causing difficulties at school or work.
Rape trauma syndrome is not a clinical diagnosis; it is a term used to explain the nature of a person’s PTSD. Survivors of rape constitute the largest group of victims of violence or crime (including war) affected by PTSD.
Resources to guide your rape recovery or sexual abuse healing journeys
Starting the journey of healing can feel daunting. There are many organizations and websites that can guide you with getting help and taking the first step:
Hotlines
911 Rape
Offers support for sexual assault victims as well as a safe, anonymous way to learn how to get help after a sexual assault.
National Center for Victims of Crime, Teen Action Partnership
On this website you’ll find a toll free helpline— 1-800-FYI-CALL (1-800-394-2255, 8AM to 8PM EST)—where you can get counseling, practical information, and referrals to local sources of help.
Support Groups
After Silence
Offers a support group, message board, and chat room for survivors of sexual rape, sexual assault, and sexual abuse.
Darkness to Light
Offers national and state resources for child sexual abuse.
The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN)
In addition to an online hotline (https://ohl.rainn.org/online/), RAINN offers a confidential National Sexual Assault telephone hotline (1-800-656-HOPE). Note that this will automatically connect you to the nearest rape counseling agency or rape crisis center. RAINN also offers information on sexual assault, tips for what do following an attack, information on how to help loved ones who have been raped, and a search page for finding local rape crisis centers.
The National Child Traumatic Stress Network
What Do I Do Now? A Survival Guide For Victims of Acquaintance Rape http://nctsn.org/nctsn_assets/pdfs/caring/acquaintancerapeguideforvictims.pdf
This survival guide was designed to help teens understand what acquaintance rape is, the steps they should take after it occurs, common reactions, and ideas for getting help.
Find a Sexual Assault Trauma Therapist or Counselor
The process for finding sexual assault counseling can feel confusing. It is important to make sure you find a professional who has experience working with sexual violence and trauma and most importantly who you feel safe with. Opening up about your trauma can be painful, a trained sexual trauma therapist will take the process slowly and never force you to share more than you are ready for. It is the work of a trauma therapist to challenge you and support you in your healing journey rather than keeping you in avoidance. Remember, you should always feel in control and respected throughout the process.
Some resources for finding therapists:
Call your insurance company to find therapists covered by your insurance plan. Many insurance websites have support tools to help you locate therapists in your area.
Visit www.psychologytoday.com for therapists in your area with descriptions of their treatment style and experience. Many also provide telehealth services.
Visit www.therapyden.com. A website dedicated to connecting people to the right therapist based on specialty type and need.
Call the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) referral life at 1-800-662-HELP(4357).
Visit https://latinxtherapy.com/find-a-therapist/ for a list of private practice Latinx Therapists.
Reach out to a sexual abuse treatment or victim service center
Look for victim services centers and sexual abuse treatment centers in your area. These clinics and centers should be able to provide you with sexual assault advocates, as well as connect you to clinical services including sexual abuse support groups. Some even provide limited legal assistance or can connect you with civil lawyers experienced in sexual crimes. Each state has funding sources to help victims of a crime including reimbursing for any costs brought on due to the crime. This can also include paying for therapy. Sexual assault advocates can help you complete the application and get it accepted. Please note that due to lack of funding many of these centers have high waitlists. Continue to try other resources and options in order to make sure that you receive the services you deserve.
Read books that include sexual abuse survivor and recovery stories
Hearing the stories of other sexual abuse survivors can have a place in your healing journey. However, it speaks to the individual how helpful these personal narratives can be. Depending on where you are in your healing process, the stories could lead to rumination on your own sexual abuse experience. It is important to be thoughtful of the content before participating in online groups or reading sexually abused stories. Also consider resources and books that guide you through trauma healing that can be a great support in addition to therapy or possibly in lieu of it. Incest AWARE has a great list of books that you can access and purchase here.
The process of healing from rape and sexual abuse requires self-compassion. Recovery takes effort and you will experience your ups and downs. It is important to remember that growth can never be undone. You cannot unlearn something you have learned, and your lows in the future will likely be so much better than your lows while you are in the beginning of your trauma healing. You did not choose what happened to you, but you can choose to create meaning to your experience or take back control of your narrative. Give yourself grace and compassion while you embark on this beautiful and painful journey. I admire you, I see you, and I honor you.
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